i'm sorry if i upset anyone with my last post. i typed it while in a really fucked up mood. i hardly think it warrents insult considering all the other crap people have posted.

it wasn't supposed to be all that veiled.

and fuck you, how dare you trivialise my problems

• • • • •

 

jebus loves you.

• • • • •

 

my sincerest apologies to ubertopher. all those blah's and whatnot were hardly appropriate. i would like to say that they were more a representation of my mood at the time, not my reaction to your entry. I read too far, and in the wrong directions, taking it as more fascecious than it in truth was. once again my sincerest apologies.

• • • • •

 

What do you do when your life is sinking like a ship at sea? Do you wave your arms and yell in hopes that the searchers will find you among the wreckage? Do you take your life into your own hands and swim to shore on your own? Or do you give up and slowly drift in to the deep darkness? I guess it all comes down to a question of trust, who do you trust more, your friends or yourself? Or do you really care at all. Sure there are a few bouys scattered about, but can you reach them in time? And if you did, how can you be so sure that they support your weigh? There is the life raft, if you could reach that everything would be fine, you could survive. But how do you know someone isn't already there, there is only room for one after all. The sad part is, it's probably someone you know well and you would feel bad about being there because you would either feel guilty about wishing they found some other raft, or you would feel quilty because you would make them guilty about you being in the water and them safe and sound in the raft. But then again, would they really feel guilty about that? Why should they? They got there first. The real problem is being able to work up the strength to let go of the ship and make an effort to find the raft, assuming it isn't already occupied.

• • • • •

 

as a friend of mine says: sometimes i cry.

or at least i wish i would.

• • • • •

 

my horoscope for today:
Insecurity could get the best of you. Everyone experiences it in their lives from time to time - some more than others. Often this is born of fear: fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of loss, and even fear of success are all common culprits for feelings of anxiety. Today's Moon-Saturn conjunction urges you to take time to uncover the root cause of your feelings so you can get past them and seize the opportunities that are before you.

• • • • •

 

i am in the process of taking one for the gipper.

• • • • •

 

cabin fever...

GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

• • • • •

 

It started when we were little kids. Free spirits but already tormented by our own hands, given to us by our parents. We got together and wrote on desks and slept in laundry rooms near snowy mountain, and slipped through whatever cracks we could find. Minds altered, we didn’t falter. In portraying hysterical and tragic characters in a small scaled universe. We loved the dirty city, and the journeys away from it. we had not yet been in or seen our friends, selves, chased tails round and round downward spiral, leaving a trail of irretrievable vital life-juice behind. Still, the brothers blood comrades part with friends cause was impenetrable, and we lived inside it, laughing with no clothes. And everything experimental till death was upon us, and our face mortality. Lots of things seemed futile then, but love and music can save us, and did. While the giant gray monster grew more poison than volatile around us, jaws, clamping down and spewing ugly shit around. Nothing is the same, so we keep moving...we keep moving.

• • • • •

 

oh...and brodie, it's letting you edit other people's stuff because i gave both of you guys admin status. i thought we should all be on the same level. ;) just don't abuse your new-found power.

• • • • •

 

i am going to do my best not to sound deep or philosphical, becuase as a friend of mine once said, that often just comes across as sounding stupid. so here goes nothing: many people confuse apathy with lack of desire. lack of desire means you do not want, apathy means that you reject things becuase you feel you shouldn't want them. this is really only another form of desire; the desire to push things away so that you can feel like you're doing something; that by rejecting that things you enjoy you are somehow making yourself into a better person. you hate yourself when you want things, because you think you shouldn't want them becuase you want them. all you get is more pain. this is not enlightenment. i cannot tell you what enlightenment is, because i'm not enlightened. to try and not feel desire is bullshit. if you do not desire, you do not want, if you do not want, you have lost your will to live. desire is part of the natural scheme of things. just as you cannot have good without evil, how can you have satisfaction without desire? one extreme cannot be judged or percieved without the other.

well poop...i guess that came out sounding kindo philisophical after all. ah well. just say like jay would, and you should be fine. ;) auf wierderhoren.

• • • • •

 

if you don't go for it, someone else will.

• • • • •